Twenty-Six Candles Is Starting To Be Too Many Candles
A picture I took on December 25th, 2025 of a christmas cake. My friend E likes to wave his hands in front of whatever I'm taking a picture of, as though he shouldn't theoretically owe me ￥50~100 per film shot he "contributes" to in this way. Imagine it's my birthday cake, please.
I turned twenty-six yesterday. (In my home country, I technically turn twenty-six today.) I have been sick with a deadly cold since last Thursday so I spent the day half out of my body on Paburon Gold A, which contains a friendly blend of painkillers, antihistamines, and a sprinkle of codeine. I was taking Paburon Gold Ace Pro (which contains ibuprofen) until two days ago when I woke in the middle of the night with a gnawing pain in my stomach lasting until 4AM. It seems that ibuprofen on an empty stomach is a luxury spared only for the young.
Usually I spend my birthday in a 24-hour state of "effortful happiness." I awaken to a flurry of congratulatory texts sent to me at midnight by my friends. My classmates or coworkers congratulate me too, as I've likely told them a week in advance. I spend the day opening emails from companies offering me 2% off a $200 order because don't you see how much we love you, Yarn? I smile self-satisfactorily through pastries and I shift awkwardly through the video my brother insists on taking as my mother, approaching retirement age, approaches me with a cake. The self-hypnosis of celebration does work, don't get me wrong, but I'm also left feeling uneasy. Aren't I just masking how I really feel? Why am I not happy without forcing it? But by the time I'm worrying about that, it's already the next day, and I move on with my life.
Yesterday I did not self-hypnotize with happiness. I slipped through my classes at language school undetected. I didn't get any emails, because I've blocked every single promotional email I don't actually want over the course of a year or so. My brother and mother are in my home country. I did get a flurry of congratulatory texts from friends, many to whom I owe laborious phone calls in which we detail every thing we missed over the past months. I did not get a text from my childhood best friend, who is in grad school and last texted me in January that she thinks she's been depressed and addicted to social media. In retrospect, hers was the one I looked forward to the most. I guess my lack of follow-through has caught up to me.
I spent the evening in a mildly self-pitying stupor with my boyfriend. (We wore masks the entire time.) He is a Golden Retriever Boyfriend. He is patient and caring pretty much 24/7 and, somehow, is not insane because of it. He wrote me a card in which he declared that he would make not only today but the entire rest of the year special for me. He also gifted me a silky nightgown from a brand I love and was anxious to make sure that the price label had been taken off it. We sat on the couch eating pizza and watched half of Star Wars: Episode VI and we complained about Leia in the slave costume. I got sleepy at 8:30 so I showered and went to bed, and he went home. After two Benadryls, that was that.
Would twenty-six have been a happy birthday if I weren't sick? I can't be sure. I thought I was immune to the disappointments of late-twenties birthdays that I read about online -- no more celebratory milestones, time moving faster, body starting to break -- but I can't deny that these concerns have been on my mind. This year I was met with a few health concerns that gave me a taste of what it's like to have a body that has limits. I also think my face just works better as a babyface.
At the end of the day, though, I am a true believer in "effortful happiness." I tend to wait for other people to make my life better for me. At 26, this just ain't gonna happen anymore. The conclusion of my daily brooding is that I have complete creative power over my own life. I want a life where I juggle creative activities, make balanced choices health-wise, and surround myself with friendly, interesting people. I want a birthday where my classmates celebrate with me, and my childhood best friend calls me, and I have a self-satisfactory grin on my face all day. And my boyfriend gets me a lovely nightgown.
So once I'm all better, I'm throwing a party.